My Twins - Praying for a miracle

I started my blog around 3 weeks ago now and everything I’ve written so far has come so naturally to me. I literally sit on the tube or train on my way to work with my iPhone and it all just pours out into my Notes app. However, this post has been the most difficult to write. I’ve started and stopped so many times. I’ve erased everything and started from scratch so I’m hoping this time around I can complete it. I guess you can say that this blog was started as a type of 'therapy' for me, to keep my mind off this situation and to keep me busy. It has worked so far but after speaking to a good friend of mine I realise that opening up about this and expressing how I’m really feeling would actually be really beneficial to me. Here goes....

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am 6 months pregnant with my little Bambi. My little Bambi is in fact two Bambi’s. My friends and family call them my Bambinos. I found out I was having twins quite early on in my pregnancy. It was a massive shock to find out I was pregnant let alone the fact that there’s two in there! I went through the whole spectrum of emotions - bemusement, surprise, shock, excitement, fear - every emotion you can think of really. My fiancé has been excited since day 1, you couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. So anyway, things progressed well. My 12 week scan was perfect, blood tests and other tests were fine so we were continuing on as normal preparing for our Bambinos as any excited parents would.

All was well until I had my 20 week anomaly scan and we received some bad news about one of the twins. We were told that one had a growth problem and was referred to a specialist hospital in Central London straight away. Their assessment of the situation has completely turned my life and pregnancy experience around. We were told that these growth problems are certain to be lethal, so one of my twins wouldn’t survive once I give birth. This is completely heartbreaking for me. I just can’t understand it. Everything was fine and all of a sudden I’m being told that my baby is going to die. They are saying that they are 100% sure that this is the case and there will be nothing they can do to save my Bambi who won’t be able to breathe at birth so will literally pass away in my arms. It’s just an unthinkable situation. No mum or mum to be wants to hear this news and no one wants to hear that there’s no hope or nothing anyone can do. For me it is impossible to accept because they are both so active. Both of them are moving and kicking all the time and I constantly feel them, so to me it feels like nothings wrong. Not an hour goes by nowadays that I don’t feel a cheeky kick or a flutter of movement. I feel so connected to them. We talk to them and sometimes we get a response which is incredible. It’s all so fascinating to me so its just heart breaking to hear at every hospital or midwife visit I have that this little person will survive for minutes (if that). I’m beginning to hate my hospital visits. It was such a fun experience to look forward to our scans where we can check up on our Bambinos progress and see them moving on screen. Now it’s just all doom and gloom. Everyone looks at me with those sad sympathetic eyes and I’m sick of hearing the same negative news over again. I don’t mean to lessen the service the hospital is providing me because they’ve been very supportive and great at answering all our questions. I just hate that it’s been turned into a place that I now dread going to.

It’s been about 2 months now since we got the news and I must admit my demeanour towards the situation has changed slightly. I literally cried and cried and was miserable for a long time. Speaking to people I loved was such a chore I just couldn’t face it. It was draining to have to explain the situation and answer everyone’s inquisitive questions. It was easier for me to just close myself off. I still find it hard to talk about it all without welling up or find myself a bit of a wreck after hospital trips but I refuse to be negative about this. I refuse to accept that my Bambi will die. I’m staying positive and I believe that there’s always hope and miracles do happen. There’s no way I can give up on my baby. I respect the opinion of the doctors but I have to stay positive and strong for my baby who’s still alive and kicking. It’s impossible for me to give up. All I can do is stay happy and positive and make sure that when I deliver, whatever happens I have a big smile, hug and lots of love waiting for both of my Bambinos. I will be resolute and stick to my belief that everything will work itself out in the end. I will put my faith in God and trust that he will handle this situation. Some may think that I’m just setting myself up for a fall but I can’t and won’t give up hope. Until I deliver I will continue on as normal as I can. I’ll go to work, I’ll write more posts and I’ll continue to plan our wedding. All of which will hopefully keep my mind occupied and from straying to think of any negativities. What the future holds who knows? I’ll just take things day by day. I’ll keep you updated x